This picture of a blooming cactus in the desert reminds me that beauty can bloom in the midst of great stress. Life is stressful, and nature continually reveals how a stressful environment does not have to result in some form of death to our humanity —resiliency, thriving, regulation, recovery and beauty are always possibilities.
Understanding neuroscience and how our nervous system impacts our ability to thrive in this world can be deeply healing. In my mind it’s key to being able to be kind to ourselves (self-compassion), by understanding how our entire being has been shaped by our journey since before even our birth. Self compassion allows us to recognize that we are not fundamentally ‘flawed,’ ‘wrong,’ ‘bad,’ or ‘not enough’ (put your negative word or phrase in here) as we struggle through life. When we understand how our bodies and brains have been shaped by our interactions with our caregivers and environment, we can see that there’s beauty even in our mess — a body and brain that have been shaped, can be reshaped. As we grow in our mindful awareness of how we are reacting to life, we can learn to self-regulate even if our stories have not thus far made this easy.
Self regulation is a basic necessity for creating and living a life we can enjoy. Dysregulation impacts our ability to study and learn, to problem solve and make good choices, to connect with others, etc.
Let’s start by picturing ourselves as we first come into the world. We come into the world dysregulated with a largely undeveloped cortex or thinking brain — our brainstem and nervous system have developed and allow for the basics of living life outside the womb. Good caregiving and safe environments result in a shaping of our developing systems toward self-regulation when we dysregulate.
Picture yourself as a hungry infant, or one that needs a diaper change, or has gas. All you know how to do is cry in an attempt to get your needs met. You are dependent on ‘other.’ If you have a caregiver who’s attuned, they come and explore possible reasons for your cry until it’s resolved, comforting you as they explore the problem. They speak to you in calming words and soothing tones. Their facial expressions soothe instead of frighten (something your innate ventral vagal and social engagement system can read from birth). They are safe and soothing, and soon you are relieved of your discomfort, your needs are met, and you return to a state of regulation. Or picture the opposite, an irritated even angry caregiver who is dysregulated themself — they teach your system dysregulation. Our interchanges with this spectrum of possible caregiving behaviors occurs thousands of times as infants and toddlers, and if generally we are heard and seen, our brain and nervous system develop into a well oiled system with neural pathways that move from dysregulation to regulation time and again. Our cry is our first form of voice. (The right hemisphere in our brain is developing like crazy in the first 18 months of life and is central to emotional and relational attunement)
Good enough caregiving sets us up well for life. Excellent caregiving prepares us even more thoroughly to cope with the stress of life. Crappy caregiving makes it very difficult to develop self-regulation and manage stress.
Now picture yourself a little older. At close to 2 years of age your left hemisphere comes more fully online and language turns from sounds and babbles to words. You’re developing language skills, but you’re still in a world that at times meets your needs and at others doesn’t. You are gaining a stronger sense of voice, but you’re upset because a sibling took your toy, or you fall and skin your knee and scream in pain, or you wanted juice not water, or you made it clear that you really needed the candy bar in the grocery store but you didn’t get it so now you’re screaming and kicking on the floor in full tantrum mode. The spectrum of caregiving behaviors we receive in response to our development struggles continues to deeply impact us as we grow.
Our brain will continue to developmentally move back and forth, emphasizing left or right hemisphere development as we grow into adolescence. Our body, in its entirety, is wiring itself as we experience life. Life comes at us, and our nervous system and brain respond. If our environment is ‘good enough’ and we receive nurturing in any form, we will develop tools to manage the world with varying levels of self regulation. If we receive less than ‘good enough’ caregiving we can recognize that we are perhaps ‘a mess’ as we grow into adulthood. We long to feel better, more secure, more stable, manage stress better, etc. Let me put this simply: we are all ‘a mess’ because there are no perfect parents in existence. Even if we had great parents we are still impacted by the world. We all struggle.
Neuroscience explores the realities of brain integration on our journey and how this impacts our ability to regulate. Polyvagal theory focuses on another important aspect of self regulation: the development of our autonomic nervous system (present from birth and shaping us daily) and how this impacts our ability to self-regulate. During all developmental moments of attunement or misattunement, being seen or unseen, being heard or unheard, being hurt or soothed, our autonomic nervous system is also shaping who we are becoming.
So let’s take a quick look at exactly what polyvagal theory helps us understand about our struggles in this world and how we can move forward. First some basic background. Our autonomic nervous system is made up of two branches, the sympathetic and parasympathetic. As we engage the world, our nervous system responds to our environment through three basic pathways: Sympathetic (mobilizes us for action with adrenaline and fight or flight reactions); Parasympathetic (dorsal vagal pathway — under perceived severe threat conserves energy, immobilizes us, and has an analgesic effect numbing us to both our physical and psychological pain); Parasympathetic (ventral pathway — supports our social connectedness, curiosity, awareness, presence, compassion, and reciprocity that make enjoying ourselves and this world possible).
So you might ask why does any of this matter? Do you have trouble maintaining soothing relationships? Do you feel trapped or insignificant? Do you have trouble calming yourself and going to sleep? Do you wonder why when you get upset you lose your words or don’t hear everything that’s said? Do you wonder why you don’t respond well to others when they’re critical of you or frustrated? Do you ever feel like collapsing and simply crawling into bed even though a few minutes ago you were not tired? Do you feel like attacking others or reacting in rage? These are all directed by our nervous system’s responses to life.
Our stories tend to set us up with a primary response to life’s stressors (we may be more chaotic in our responses if we’ve been through severe trauma). If we have a dorsal response, sometimes called a ‘dorsal dive’ to stress, we can go from being energized and engaged with words and thoughts, to a blank mind with no words, and no energy, but rather a desire to crawl away and hide in a matter of moments. If we have a sympathetic tendency, we can shift into fight mode easily and lose our ability to see the world as safe, neutral faces get translated as dangerous, etc. When we are hyperaroused, our inner ear muscles literally shift into listening for danger alerting sounds, and cortisol floods our system putting us on high alert at every level. When either of these responses dominate our lives we can struggle to stay engaged, maintain calming connection, keep the thinking / problem-solving part of our brain engaged. When life triggers us, our ability to be curious, present and aware tanks.
The ventral vagal wiring of our nervous system is what makes meaningful, reciprocal, compassionate, curious connection possible. When this nerve has good tone so to say, we can put the brake on our more primitive and destructive responses to stress, criticism, anger, etc.
If you can see yourself in any of these less helpful modes know this: there is hope! My approach to Life Coaching utilizes education, mindfulness, and exploration of your journey to help you overcome imperfect journeys. I know there’s hope because it’s the journey of my life as well as yours. We can all strengthen our understanding of self and how we respond to the world, opening the door to new responses and patterns. We can explore tools to be mindful of key moments and learn how to make choices that lead to growth. Mindfulness creates space between our experience and our knee jerk response, nurturing an increasing ability to regulate ourselves in the key moments of life. We can move from struggling to survive to thriving. I hope you’ll give me (or someone else) a call if you see yourself in any of the realities I present above and long to heal and change.