Does this image ‘trigger’ anything in you? Trigger: an event or circumstance that is the cause of… (fill in the blank). Life impacts us, and as we live we can be triggered into thoughts and feelings that can be wonderful or suffocating, life giving or death inviting. Positive triggers are not usually thought about because we enjoy them. I look at this photo of me atop a 14er in the Chicago Basin, and I have many fond memories that trigger. Apart from the mountain goats destroying a pair of leather sandals I left at camp. Triggers can broaden us and open us up to more, or they can restrict us and shut us down. I want to focus on the reality of triggers that interfere with our ability to obtain the intimacy and connection we desire, specifically triggers that shut down our ability to communicate.
Creating space in conversation for the one we’re trying to connect with is a huge issue. Research suggests that as individuals we’re really only present and listening about 25% of the time. Wow! And this is not necessarily even factoring in when we ‘trigger.’ I briefly mentioned triggers in another post. Some refer to it as flooding. If you have some self-awareness you are well aware of when you’re body and thus brain have flooded with chemicals that are either gearing you up for a fight, causing you to freeze, or even dropping you into a dorsal dive where you body simply wants to shut down. Sometimes these responses are so strong we cannot help but notice them, other times they may be more subtle. Everyone has varying degrees of awareness into their experience, so some are fully aware of the tiniest shifts in their function, while others are completely lacking in self-awareness.
When I was in my mid-20s I was completely unaware. My first ‘awakening’ to triggers occurred when I was in a group setting and was overlooked. We had run out of time for everyone to share their story. I was the only who had not shared. The next week the group leader just moved on, no one mentioning that they had not heard my story yet. That week as I went home I was exhausted. I spent the week tired and simply wanting to sleep. The next week I went back to the group and shared how I had been forgotten. Not surprisingly, as I went home that day I suddenly had energy again. I was completely unaware of my emotions, body, needs, etc. at this point in life due to my upbringing. It was a very insightful moment for me when I was able to see how my body and energy were being triggered by my experience.
We each need to learn to understand ourselves because the less able I am to notice myself, the less I can truly be aware of others and create space for them, the more work they have to do. If I am someone who is hyper-aware, I may need to learn to distance myself from my experience, i.e. not repress but live more objectively toward it, in order to create space for another. If I cannot do this I take up all the space. If I am unaware or hypo-sensitive, then I need to start with learning awareness. I likely believe I take up no space, but the truth is I’m just unaware of the space I consume. I’m oblivious, perhaps blissfully happy in this, but I’m not awake and aware, I’m asleep to reality. Neither position leads to good relating and intimacy.
Mindfulness can be helpful with both ends of the spectrum. When we are overwhelmed by our experience, we need to learn to create an ability to separate ourselves from the experience. It’s the difference being on a boat in a hurricane, and watching it on the news. Believe it or not there are also people who live on the other end of the spectrum. They are on the boat in the midst of a hurricane, but are so desensitized/repressed they don’t feel it anymore - me in my 20s.
Mindfulness can help us create the distance of observance without being driven by the experience, as well as deepen our ability to connect with what’s happening in us. Equanimity is needed for those who are driven by their experience. It’s a growing ability to create space in yourself to allow your experience to be what it is, without being bowled over by it. Sensitivity is needed for the other end of the spectrum, this can be improved by doing things like body scans and intentionally focusing on what’s happening in your body. Your body is a huge source of wisdom for what’s actually happening in your brain, some are overwhelmed by their bodily experience while others rarely notice it. Mindfulness can help us move toward a healthy, balanced awareness, leading us toward an ever increasing ability to create space for both ourselves and others.