Perspective is something we have to keep in mind if we want to successfully communicate with anyone: spouses, friends, parenting, work and business associates, etc. I chose the above photo for this pondering because I could not obtain this perspective on the ground. I had to send my drone into the air to get this shot. There’s a key truth to be found in this: where we stand limits what we can see and know.
Each time we get into an argument with a spouse, child, friend, coworker, client, etc. it can either be escalated or deescalated by our choice to either stand our ground (i.e. refuse to move), or move to see things from their perspective (side note: the more ‘privilege’ we have the less willing we may be to consider moving and altering our perspective).
Empathy is defined as our ability to understand and share in the feelings of another. I would add: share the perspective, experience, etc of another. If we are someone who struggles to shift our perspective we probably struggle to have empathy. Having empathy for another doesn’t mean that our own perspective should not matter, or that we can’t or shouldn’t be in conversation about our differing views, it means that we are willing to get out of ourselves and look through the eyes of another. It means we work to understand the ‘other,’ whether that’s our partner or a country with a different culture. When we do this we will see things we are blind to from our perspective.
What hinders this? It can be many things, e.g. our privilege mentioned above. From a neuroscience perspective, when we ‘trigger,’ our brain shifts from using our cortex to functioning out of the emotional segments of our brain. Perspective and understanding may feel and indeed be impossible in these moments. In fact, being triggered sends chemicals into our brain that shut our cortex down, and research suggests we need about 17 minutes for these chemicals to clear the system and become thus clear-headed again. However, if we’re not intentionally trying to calm ourselves in these moments, the chemicals may just keep coming and we may just retrigger ourselves endlessly.
We all trigger. We all lose our capacity to function out of a fully integrated and thus functioning brain. If you don’t think you trigger, then I would suggest you are someone who does not know your body and emotions well. So the first step to being able to have perspective and empathy for others is getting to know yourself better. Once I have a good handle on “me,” I can practice creating space for others.
if you find that a conversation is escalating in emotional intensity, try creating enough space in yourself to stand in the mindset, narrative, history, and experiences of the person you’re trying to communicate with. I can pretty much guarantee you that failing to do so will escalate whatever is happening, so why not try something new. We each only have control over ourselves. I can choose to stand my ground, or I can choose to move my feet (metaphorically or perhaps literally) and position myself inside another’s experience.