Our need for others: can we take our armor off?

I was watching a Robin Hood movie on Netflix the other day while I was working out, and I was struck by a scene. Russell Crowe has come back from the crusades and he is told to bathe, but he cannot get out of his armor on his own.

Part of the reason this stuck out was pondering my own life, and how at times I take up protective armor and then cannot seem to take it off. I get stuck! The more I thought about the image the more I saw at least a couple of other implications. First, is that if our life has only small skirmishes which are not regular events in life, it’s easier to believe it’s safe to take our armor off when we get home. We don’t live in our armor. Second, the longer we are in battles in life the more easily we believe it is not safe to take our armor off. We’re likely to sleep in it, eat in it, etc. So when a battle kicks off it can throw us into the mode of leaving our armor on for extended periods of time.

These are obvious thoughts to our modern day warriors / soldiers who spend months overseas and then come home to their families and struggle to live vulnerably. I have worked with many over the years who had to learn to survive the battle field only to discover it alters their ability to live at home. But we should not minimize how being vulnerable, hurt, and the consequent need for self-protection impacts us all. And I think it is very true that once we have put our armor on, it is difficult to take off by ourselves. We need the help of others.

Trust is at the core of feeling safe, and when we struggle to trust we cannot feel safe. When issues of trust are triggered we leave our armor on, and the idea of asking someone else to help us get out of it requires trust. The dilemma becomes obvious does it not?

I have experienced this in my own life. Once issues of trust are triggered, it can be so easy to re-trigger, and produce an enduring state of triggering/flooding. In this state of mind it’s easy to believe that the stupidest thing I could do right now is take my armor off.

Now take the image farther. How is life limited when I’m wearing armor? The normal functions of life become impossible. We are only prepared for sitting in a war zone and protecting ourselves under fire. Normal life becomes impossible.

So… picture your self-protection… when does it trigger? what keeps it triggering? how is it limiting your life? Just as there are self-limiting beliefs, there are self limiting actions we take out of our beliefs, i.e. putting on our armor, our self-protection. The irony is that we’re most often protecting ourselves from people, the only ones who can actually help us take our armor off and learn to again enjoy what life has to offer. We’ll never be able to fully connect, fully enjoy, fully live, fully love when we’re wearing our armor.

Side-note: there are people who are not safe, and taking our armor off in their presence is not wise; look for safe people to help you sort through who-is-who if life has left you confused in this arena. The world as a whole is full of safe and unsafe zones, safe and unsafe people, but there are safe zones and safe people who can help us learn to remove our armor and live again.

At times when we don’t feel safe, it may be a loved one, someone who we know loves us (when we are in our ‘sane’ mind and not flooded), who has to come to us and say, ‘Hey it’s me. I love you remember? Let me help you take your armor off.’

Mindfulness: calming the waters of our mind

So this morning I was out walking with our puppies. I love doing an early mindful walk where I try to focus on sounds. It was beautiful and the birds were happily singing. The morning still held the cool and the moisture of the previous evening’s thunderstorm. It was an ideal summer morning in Colorado.

As we’re walking, we peacefully pass several bikers, moving out of the way for most of them because the path varies between being wide and narrow. I’m a biker as well as hiker, and I always appreciate when hikers move out of the way, so I do the same for other bikers. But there is something as an avid outdoors person that I am very aware of: everyone yields to horses, and bikers are supposed to yield to hikers, NOT the other way around. This fact doesn’t generally impact me as a hiker, because if it’s easy for me to do so I’m happy to slip off a narrow trail to permit a biker to pass. As a biker I approach people slowly. If it’s a difficult spot I’ll stop and ask them to please go ahead and walk by while I wait. If I’m coming up behind I’ll do the same and ask if I can slide by them when it’s a good spot.

So… I’m peacefully doing a mindful walk and I see a biker coming my way. The trail is at least 6 feet wide and the biker has plenty of room to pass while I walk. Yet, what comes out of this guy’s mouth is a sarcastic, ‘Thanks for moving… asshole’ as he passes me.

NOW I AM TRIGGERED! I quickly spin in my tracks as he continues down the downhill path and respond, ‘HEY, hikers actually have the right of way, NOT BIKERS, ASSHOLE!’ His friend passes me with plenty of room and says, ‘good morning’ in a slightly timid manner at this point. I respond with a slightly tense ‘good morning.’

I can feel my whole body responding. I have instantly shifted from a relaxed, calm, peaceful state of being into a tense, angry, defensive stance. TRIGGERED.

We can trigger at any moment of any day. The problem with all triggers is that they often come at us almost completely unexpectedly. At times we can see them coming but not always. The more mindful we are the easier it is to catch ourselves before we’re completely flooded or to keep ourselves from continuing to flood. (Flooded is a term used for a state of mind where chemicals have literally flooded our cortex and make clear thinking difficult, i.e. our cortex gets shut down. If we can stop ourselves from continuing to flood there’s still about an 18 minute window of time needed for the chemicals to clear our brain.).

On this day the peace and tranquility of my morning was suddenly shattered. It took me the rest of my hike to try to get my focus back (my brain/body had flooded), and stop thinking about all the rules of the trail, how I had the right of way, how there was plenty of room for him to pass, how in spite of this he called me an asshole for failing to step off the trail when I had the right of way… all these thoughts came incessantly to mind because of my trigger, and I now had to work to regain control over my thoughts, feelings, and body.

All of us have triggers. They can occur in moments like this, or in conversations and moments with friends, family, and lovers. Triggers and impulsive responses are responsible for so many things from hurtful words to impulsive crimes. We enter a moment, something triggers us, and we then have to battle our response. The more mindful we are of what’s happening, the more power we have to reverse what’s occurred.

Mindfulness creates a space between an interaction, like the biker’s words to me as he passed, and our response. If we are awake and present we get to choose whether we react or not, and if we choose to respond how to do so. Whether you approve of my response or not is not why I’m revealing it, it’s simply a moment that stands out in my life this day as a moment of choice.

In every moment of every day we always have a choice. We can choose to be silent or speak, to respond with no boundary or boundaries, with emotions or flat affect, etc. Every moment accumulates to then build the patterns of our lives. And if we want to truly get unstuck, to change, to grow, we need to acknowledge that every moment matters. Choosing to practice mindfulness, so we can respond mindfully in any given moment of life, is one of the best things we can do for ourselves and those we love. If you’re stuck in a pattern of life or just stuck in general, try practicing mindfulness. There are some great apps to get you started on this, see for example calm.com

Dating - hopefully a search for true depth and joy

If you’re winding your way through the complex canyons of the dating world, what are you looking for?

We live in an ever changing, fascinating, and at times sad culture. I used to listen to podcasts when I worked out each morning, but now I tend to watch a variety of shows. Anything to occupy my mind while I’m rowing for an hour! So I recently saw “Love Island USA” pop up on Peacock and thought I’d see what it was about. I rarely watch reality TV, but nothing else was drawing my attention on this particular morning, and I didn’t want to spent a lot of time searching before I started working out… so I started the show.

As I watched it, my first thought was ‘is this seriously how people evaluate each other nowadays?’ After working for years with couples, living life, etc. wisdom hopefully leaves us with a little more longing for depth, complexity, and a willingness to do the hard work that’s needed for true intimacy.

Watching only one episode left me with as sadness for both the participants and editors, as the show seems to be largely about physical attraction and sex. I know people are longing for something so much more than what this show portrays, though the editors have either done some major editing or deliberately choose participants who seem to have the depth of a shot glass. The show left me wishing I could sit down with each participant, explore their stories, and shake them awake! There is so much more to life than what they now seem to know!!

If you are in the dating arena and looking for only a sexual connection, I would encourage you to develop yourself more, as well as look for more in your dating life. It’s not that sexual attraction is not important, it’s more that it’s like living life eating candy. One day you wake up and find yourself anemic, diabetic, and with rotting teeth. There is no lasting health to a relationship built only on sex.

That being said, sex is a wonderful part of life, and when it’s combined with other important relational realities can be like a long drawn-out seven course meal. For many couples, sex lasts about as long as it takes to drink a shot, when it should be like a meal with good wine and your best friend, that you sit and enjoy until the wee hours of the morning. If we settle for less, we either don’t know how good sex can be, or we don’t know how good life can be when we have true relational connection as well. You can have the entire package, but our culture seems to suggest that eating dessert everyday is all the relational nutrition we need. Not true.

True connection requires: 1) knowing self, i.e. without knowing the depth of who you are you cannot share it with another, this includes your whole journey thus far in life; 2) trust and ongoing vulnerability, i.e. without trust and vulnerability you can’t actually share yourself and be connected; 3) a desire to shape and mold yourself to fit the needs of your ‘other’ without losing yourself in the process, i.e. this needs to occur reciprocally; 4) a desire not only to receive but to give, i.e. to build your partner up, reciprocal giving versus taking creates a healthy long-term relational goodness. There’s much more than this, but these elements allow for us to be seen in life. Being seen, experiencing safety and security when we are seen, and continual growth are essential elements in a relationship that holds any value.

Someone loving us well, and us loving another well, also involves confronting each other for the sake of growth. We are always supposed to be growing, and those closest to us often have the most knowledge about needed areas of growth. A good relationship promotes growth, and involves two individuals who are continuing to grow as individuals. Individual growth brings newness, excitement, and forward momentum to the relationship. As in all arenas of life: there is no such thing as stagnation, there is only movement toward growth or decay, toward life or death.

The value of composting life's shit – the flow of death to life

Light flows into dark and dark flows into light

This pondering is perhaps not for everyone, some may be offended by my language, if you persevere through it perhaps you will discover my point. If you are simply offended, well we’re probably not a good match for coaching. In my office all language is allowed, things are named for what they are, and all aspects of life have potential value… another way of putting this might be to say that I hope coaching can help you compost all the elements of your life into something that nurtures beauty.

How much suffering occurs in life because we think of things as opposites? death-life; despair-hope; love-hate; north-south; east-west; night-light; suffering-life… the list can go on and one. Perhaps instead of opposites we should think of things flowing. Death flows into life, life flows into death; love flows into hate and if allowed hate can flow into love; night flows into day and day flows into night, east flows into west… the list goes on and on… there is a natural flow in our world. 

Cows eat grass, they shit and fertilize the field, and new grass grows.

I was speaking to a client this week about how we all have shit in our lives. This shit can be our brokenness and failures, i.e. the shit we do to others or ourselves. It can be our sufferings, i.e. the shit we go through on any given day. It can be anything on the darker end of life that we might think of as waste. 

So let’s carry this a little farther to our literal shit. We take nutrients or food into our body, and waste flows out. We all have our shit, and we shit everyday if we’re fortunate to not be constipated. Our body is made to take in nutrients and release what we are unable to use. Nature is then supposed to take the waste and recycle it. There is a flow to the way our bodies and nature are supposed to work if allowed. Waste is recycled and flows into nutrients if nature is working properly. If we’re in the forest and we see a fallen rotting tree with mushrooms, what we’re really observing are nature’s little composters, fungus taking death and turning it into life. 

While growing up my parents gardened, and every year I’d go with my dad out in the country to friends, and we would load up manure, i.e. shit, into a trailer. I hated it. It stunk. I saw no value in what I was being forced to shovel. Yet, we would take it home and we would mix it into the soil, and a few months later we’d have a very fruitful garden. Wise farmers rotate crops and animals onto different fields at different times. They do this because all the creatures shitting and rooting and feeding and pecking, tend to make beautiful soil that produces life.

My point: the excrement or shit in our lives/ world can produce life. We tend to take the suffering of life and relegate it to waste. We can relegate the failures and mistakes in our lives to waste. We can relegate losses to waste. We can relegate arguments in relationships to waste. And certainly this is all they may become, but there is another possibility. Just as nature can take death and recycle it into life, so can we. Every day we have multiple opportunities to recycle everything that goes wrong in life into soil that can produce life.

The shit in our lives can become the compost of life, enriching the soil of our lives and making new growth that much more possible. There doesn’t have to be any such thing as pure waste. Most of us have been taught to feel shame over, and/or avoid negative feelings that rise up from our failures, or we’re made to feel like something is wrong with us if we remain sad too long after a loss, etc. If we’re depressed or anxious we can be left to feel like there’s something wrong with us. Yet depression and anxiety are a natural out flow of so many realities in our world. Embracing our failures, embracing losses, embracing feelings can make us keenly aware of the things that nurture life instead of destroy life. Suffering and loss can become a place of growth. 

In my last entry I was reflecting on my father and his death. I grieve the reality that for much of his life there was waste that was not turned into life. I wonder who he could have become if he hadn’t been in many ways frozen by his trauma. My father could have become someone who nurtured me through the traumas of life and helped me grow instead of passing on his traumas. The suffering of his life could have become a rich soil that resulted in life for both of us. Suffering could have enlarged him. It could have enlarged me, but instead his suffering led to my suffering. Repressing the results of suffering, loss, traumas, failures, etc. is at some level like putting all the pain in a closed container and creating as system that has no oxygen. Oxygen is required to take waste and turn it into nutrients. So it is with the shit of life as well, bottling it up so tight is has no air only keeps the shit of life as useless shit. We end up all walking around in our stink.

If we can embrace the shit of life, our sufferings, whatever term you prefer to use, it’s like tilling the soil of life, mixing the good with the waste, until it all becomes something profitable. Don’t get me wrong here. Shit is shit, there’s no getting around that. Loss hurts. Suffering can grind us to a pulp. But if life is also allowed to simply follow its natural flow, all things can be recycled, so that what feels like death flows into life, just as winter flows into spring. 

Ponderings on complicated grief and loss

“A process cannot be understood by stopping it,

Understanding must move with the flow of the process,

must join it and flow with it”         Dune

journey of a son with his father toward death

can death be understood?

the myths of Genesis describe death as a gift given

our best choice is to move within it’s flow

death is unique but also simply another moment

an opportunity for growth and life

life will ebb and death will flow

then all reverses, if allowed

as endless waves on the sea we know as life

our suffering intensifies if we resist this ebb and flow

mourning is a complex thing

do we mourn the life?

do we mourn the death?

for me it is not a simple thing…

I move into my father’s room

skin mottling

breath rattling

death is drawing near

death is flowing life is ebbing

his eyes open at the sound of my voice

glassy eyed and quizzical 

child-like, tender

this — his final gaze at me

and in my mind perhaps his best

that the outflow of 90 years of life and dementia had whittled away

at the black and white rigid world of his religion

and survival mechanisms from so many losses and traumas

was obvious in his tender gaze

the gaze brings tears still today

I have longed for his gentle and tender gaze

for most of my life

yet surely I have seen it?

my earliest years hidden in haze and mystery from me

the memory of this gaze strikes deep

oh I have needed this

these eyes bring tears, sadness… and hope

there is more beauty in this final gaze than in all others I remember

from him toward me

beauty is present in the flow of his passing

transitioning from this world

of neural networks shaped and cast in stone 

by life’s encounters

all his body, mind and heart have known

to all the hidden mysteries ahead

he could not know what was before him

until the veil was rent

death, and thus life — tearing through his certainty to set him free

he could only humbly

receive the embrace of tomorrow

whatever this now means

I see in his gaze

a new humility 

a lack of fight

and I am deeply, deeply moved

standing by his bed I place my hand on his

we touch

in life I would no longer approach to hold his hand

too many memories of distance, anger, pain, outright rejection

a journey with only one true ‘I'm sorry’ 

in the vastness of my memory

one finally spoken because I drew a boundary 

but not until my 40s

refusing to engage and be with him 

after yet another angry encounter

his response to this? 

totally unexpected, miraculous

a simple ‘I’m sorry’

he does not say ‘I’m sorry’

spoken once and never again

though life remained unchanged

now life and death have changed him

and now we touch

years before in college

I witnessed a loving hug

and delightful conversation 

between a friend and father

my eyes were opened to how I longed for this with mine

so back at home

I approached

a simple hug soon made it clear

paths of touch had either been unknown

or were lost to him through the suffering of years

his silence leaves only mysteries of his journey

yet all the touch, kind and gentle touch of my memories 

was initiated by me

surely more is there

moments where I missed gifts given

my own being twisting narratives of past pain, blinding me to now

we all have eyes and ears limited in what we perceive

shaped by our journeys and the focus that evolves

what mattered was the present

a different ending to this sacred journey

so at his death I again approach

I touch, skin soft

great care he has received

a love still given by those who could

as I hold his hand, I ruminate on his early years

beautiful infant, innocence and tenderness

needs not yet resisted nor empathy spurned

arriving with a celestial openness to the world

now I am no longer afraid of being rebuffed

he is returning to the state in which he entered the world

the circle of life and death

life coming to a close

death opening new journeys

his openness

I will hold on to this

last reality

last experience

of my father

still

I cannot help but experience the crash

of contrasting memories

at 75, in celebration of his years of life

his wife, my mother, wrote unspoken stories

perhaps shared only with her

and perhaps this sharing of stories sacred to his heart

is why his anger flared

she asked me to speak the written words

with tears in my eyes I read of a cruel world

and my disabled father’s experience

his response to my tears?

rebuffing me for mine

a path well known to me

who had to unlearn my father’s ways

in order to offer more to mine

door slammed

heart closed

not open

celestial openness lost 

in the journey of his life

now opening again

rays of light stealing through the darkness and decay

death had already arrived years before

I felt death ebbing, new life was flowing

at death’s door my father was breaking free of 

life as it was known

to life as it could be

tears allowed, with no rebuke

my sisters declaring he’d been gentled in his final years

six years it had been for me

too much pain over too many years

I now sat beside him and held his hand

he held on tight

he held on tight… and tears flowed and flow

more openness to and expression of need 

than I had ever witnessed

I did what I had always longed to do

I held on too

I spoke words, 

acknowledging that he had loved the best he could

he had been severely limited by the traumas of his life

and his response to them

mysteries of pain to only be theorized and surmised

as they remained hidden within, words unspoken

lonely in his pain

rebuffing offers of comfort given 

just as he rebuffed the hook he cast across the room 

emotions shoved away

comfort spurned as well

unspoken words and memories

of life’s pain

were passing through death’s door as well

now we were joined in the flow of this moment, 

this final day

his embrace was opening

there was space for me

and space for him 

both broken, both loved

neither of us resisting 

I continuing to affirm he had done his best

he had never stopped fighting or trying

though ironically the fight in him

the perseverance and fight that nurtured his survival

left me with tender heart, 

born of his tender heart

reeling in the heat of his anger

longing only to escape his presence, 

feeling small and not enough

now he was not fighting

I was not running

I held his hand and affirmed his love

he squeezed my hand hard in response

he squeezed my hand

a gesture that now brought healing

to the space between and distance of years

created by angry words declared

while positives remained unsaid

unspoken to my face 

the year was 1984

he hired me to do a job

living with Grandma, I remodeled a home

he arrived as summer closed

walking through the home

in silence and in silence leaving

evening came and mom declared

your dad says you did a great job

really?

if so… why can this not be said to me?

why? why was it so difficult for him to speak

words of affirmation

to the tiny face looking up toward his?

to the man still waiting?

for as a man I was still waiting

it was not simply neutral words and silence I received

he declared me ‘brainwashed’

in my learning

for I embraced the world outside his tiny box

all outside his box of faith and belief was simply wrong

and the mind of his son incapable

of understanding the certainty with which he knew the right and wrong

celestial openness never taught, curiosity shunned

I strive toward these hard fought

the world so large and so diverse

light in all corners of the universe

not in the slivers of one human mind or one tradition

diminutive and small cannot define

the Source of Life of this massive space in which all planets dwell

what made my father so afraid

of that which stood outside the space in which he dwelt?

another mystery in the flow of death and ebb of life

arriving long before it’s appointed time

why was it so hard to speak empathizing

encouraging, affirming words…to me, his son?

impossible wrestlings 

to empathize and care for others when 

one has never learned to be gentle and kind to self

so many consequences to pushing away

from the traumas of life

unexpected pain which could not be controlled

now he squeezed my hand

I experienced it as a thousand words spoken

though still unsaid

an affirmation he could not give

until the flow of death released him 

from the shape and form of life

and now his final breaths

his hand and arm across his chest

caressing back and forth

from shoulder to the wrist

his breathing

stops

all are called in

one final breath taken

in the midst of these messy and beautiful 

legacies of his life present in living forms

shaped by him

finally he’s free

hope for the celestial openness 

of infancy to return

with two arms and hands

and whole being to embrace life

and grasp the Beauty from which he came

too infinite

too large to be named and known by our 

limited theorizing and minuscule minds

our thoughts and words are limiting

Reality is too big for us to grasp

so many experiences of life with dad

hindered me from enjoying his beauty

a tender, kind, generous, and gentle heart

buried often beneath the traumas of life

he fought for his life, he fought for ours as best he could

paths chosen with consequences

as are all the paths we choose

until the path of life abruptly ends

my father made a choice at that end

not to go out fighting

he released the fight

and gripped my hand

he let me walk with him

helpless, now willing on a path he could not resist

he accepted the flow of death and ebb of life

he accepted my hand on that journey

his in mine — hands freely extended in love

now life is flowing, death is ebbing

all we can do is open up to life’s 

sorrows and pains, joys and laughter

receiving it all, sharing it all with those we love

death will flow and life will ebb

then life will flow and death will ebb 

if we allow all the deaths of living 

to return us to the state of celestial openness 

with which we first embraced this world

as one so wise said long ago

you must become as children to embrace life

may we not wait until the end to start again as children

to return to the celestial openness with which our lives began

else life will ebb and death will flow

in embracing both we receive life over and over again

for death is the cradle from which life flows

‘a process cannot be understood by stopping it,

understanding must move with the flow of the process,

must join it and flow with it’

"Triggers" destroy our ability to create calm space for ourselves AND those we love

Does this image ‘trigger’ anything in you? Trigger: an event or circumstance that is the cause of… (fill in the blank). Life impacts us, and as we live we can be triggered into thoughts and feelings that can be wonderful or suffocating, life giving or death inviting. Positive triggers are not usually thought about because we enjoy them. I look at this photo of me atop a 14er in the Chicago Basin, and I have many fond memories that trigger. Apart from the mountain goats destroying a pair of leather sandals I left at camp. Triggers can broaden us and open us up to more, or they can restrict us and shut us down. I want to focus on the reality of triggers that interfere with our ability to obtain the intimacy and connection we desire, specifically triggers that shut down our ability to communicate.

Creating space in conversation for the one we’re trying to connect with is a huge issue. Research suggests that as individuals we’re really only present and listening about 25% of the time. Wow! And this is not necessarily even factoring in when we ‘trigger.’ I briefly mentioned triggers in another post. Some refer to it as flooding. If you have some self-awareness you are well aware of when you’re body and thus brain have flooded with chemicals that are either gearing you up for a fight, causing you to freeze, or even dropping you into a dorsal dive where you body simply wants to shut down. Sometimes these responses are so strong we cannot help but notice them, other times they may be more subtle. Everyone has varying degrees of awareness into their experience, so some are fully aware of the tiniest shifts in their function, while others are completely lacking in self-awareness.

When I was in my mid-20s I was completely unaware. My first ‘awakening’ to triggers occurred when I was in a group setting and was overlooked. We had run out of time for everyone to share their story. I was the only who had not shared. The next week the group leader just moved on, no one mentioning that they had not heard my story yet. That week as I went home I was exhausted. I spent the week tired and simply wanting to sleep. The next week I went back to the group and shared how I had been forgotten. Not surprisingly, as I went home that day I suddenly had energy again. I was completely unaware of my emotions, body, needs, etc. at this point in life due to my upbringing. It was a very insightful moment for me when I was able to see how my body and energy were being triggered by my experience.

We each need to learn to understand ourselves because the less able I am to notice myself, the less I can truly be aware of others and create space for them, the more work they have to do. If I am someone who is hyper-aware, I may need to learn to distance myself from my experience, i.e. not repress but live more objectively toward it, in order to create space for another. If I cannot do this I take up all the space. If I am unaware or hypo-sensitive, then I need to start with learning awareness. I likely believe I take up no space, but the truth is I’m just unaware of the space I consume. I’m oblivious, perhaps blissfully happy in this, but I’m not awake and aware, I’m asleep to reality. Neither position leads to good relating and intimacy.

Mindfulness can be helpful with both ends of the spectrum. When we are overwhelmed by our experience, we need to learn to create an ability to separate ourselves from the experience. It’s the difference being on a boat in a hurricane, and watching it on the news. Believe it or not there are also people who live on the other end of the spectrum. They are on the boat in the midst of a hurricane, but are so desensitized/repressed they don’t feel it anymore - me in my 20s.

Mindfulness can help us create the distance of observance without being driven by the experience, as well as deepen our ability to connect with what’s happening in us. Equanimity is needed for those who are driven by their experience. It’s a growing ability to create space in yourself to allow your experience to be what it is, without being bowled over by it. Sensitivity is needed for the other end of the spectrum, this can be improved by doing things like body scans and intentionally focusing on what’s happening in your body. Your body is a huge source of wisdom for what’s actually happening in your brain, some are overwhelmed by their bodily experience while others rarely notice it. Mindfulness can help us move toward a healthy, balanced awareness, leading us toward an ever increasing ability to create space for both ourselves and others.

Perspective: a key to successful communication and intimacy

Perspective is something we have to keep in mind if we want to successfully communicate with anyone: spouses, friends, parenting, work and business associates, etc. I chose the above photo for this pondering because I could not obtain this perspective on the ground. I had to send my drone into the air to get this shot. There’s a key truth to be found in this: where we stand limits what we can see and know.

Each time we get into an argument with a spouse, child, friend, coworker, client, etc. it can either be escalated or deescalated by our choice to either stand our ground (i.e. refuse to move), or move to see things from their perspective (side note: the more ‘privilege’ we have the less willing we may be to consider moving and altering our perspective).

Empathy is defined as our ability to understand and share in the feelings of another. I would add: share the perspective, experience, etc of another. If we are someone who struggles to shift our perspective we probably struggle to have empathy. Having empathy for another doesn’t mean that our own perspective should not matter, or that we can’t or shouldn’t be in conversation about our differing views, it means that we are willing to get out of ourselves and look through the eyes of another. It means we work to understand the ‘other,’ whether that’s our partner or a country with a different culture. When we do this we will see things we are blind to from our perspective.

What hinders this? It can be many things, e.g. our privilege mentioned above. From a neuroscience perspective, when we ‘trigger,’ our brain shifts from using our cortex to functioning out of the emotional segments of our brain. Perspective and understanding may feel and indeed be impossible in these moments. In fact, being triggered sends chemicals into our brain that shut our cortex down, and research suggests we need about 17 minutes for these chemicals to clear the system and become thus clear-headed again. However, if we’re not intentionally trying to calm ourselves in these moments, the chemicals may just keep coming and we may just retrigger ourselves endlessly.

We all trigger. We all lose our capacity to function out of a fully integrated and thus functioning brain. If you don’t think you trigger, then I would suggest you are someone who does not know your body and emotions well. So the first step to being able to have perspective and empathy for others is getting to know yourself better. Once I have a good handle on “me,” I can practice creating space for others.

if you find that a conversation is escalating in emotional intensity, try creating enough space in yourself to stand in the mindset, narrative, history, and experiences of the person you’re trying to communicate with. I can pretty much guarantee you that failing to do so will escalate whatever is happening, so why not try something new. We each only have control over ourselves. I can choose to stand my ground, or I can choose to move my feet (metaphorically or perhaps literally) and position myself inside another’s experience.

A hard truth: growth requires death

One of the hardest truths for us to accept in this world is that growth requires death. Transitions of life which successfully move us toward growth, often require releasing something, or a ‘death.’ If this hits you wrong just bear with me for a moment. I’m not declaring this as an all-out-rigid-truth, but rather as a path worth pondering: our suffering is intensified if we refuse to release the things in our lives to which we’ve attached — it could be a career, a relationship, a literal death of a loved one — there’s a time to attach and pour energy into something, and there’s a time to release it.

Let’s consider how death leads to life at the cellular level of our lives. Death is programmed into life from the very beginning, it’s a process called apoptosis. It’s active even in utero, many normal and healthy cells need to die in order for an organ, limb, etc. to grow — consider how did your own body transform from fetus to who you are today? Apoptosis, cell death. Or consider your brain as a child, adolescent, or even now if you’re older, unnecessary brain cells die off in our growing brains, allowing the strengthening and growth of necessary and utilized connections.

Side note: In each of our bodies every cell is either in growth or death mode. As adults we can kick our growth mode into gear through cardiovascular exercise. Research suggests that an hour of cardiovascular exercise gives every cell in our body a signal to grow for 8-12 hours instead of leaving it in possible decay mode. Yet at some point, in order for our bodies to regenerate, all cells must die and be replaced with new cells. In our physical / biological life, death is a necessity for new growth and thus life, and if we’re healthy and exercising, our bodies replace cells every 2-3 months.

So what about what we think of as the non-physical realms of life? Though we could debate whether or not such realms even exist apart from physicality, we might refer to these as spirit, energy, etc. In these areas as well we can cling to what we know, to what we find safe and ‘certain’ refusing to release it but this won’t allow for growth. Growth comes as we release something which is dying or hindering growth and ask what’s next? Imagine how your views of self, the world, etc. changed as you grew from 2 to 8 to 13 to 19… Not many of us would say our view of the world at age 10 was absolute reality, so why when we’re older do we believe it’s okay to cling to our old ways of thinking and being? We grow through releasing and receiving. Loss can lead to growth. Clinging traps us and leads to something other than living.

Our loss may be chosen, forced, etc. but the Buddhist concept that our suffering is increased due to our attachments (and a refusal to release them), can be very helpful. Jesus also speaks of this same dynamic when he says that to live we must die, or to be born again you must become as a child (‘celestial openness’ is a phrase used by Patricia Kuhl who studies infants). Whatever spiritual tradition you come from, it probably has something that can be of help and support as you process ‘death’ and loss.

What in your life do you insist can not change, should not change, etc? If we want to grow we have to be willing to release things and ask ourselves: What’s next?

Growth may come at great cost, with great pain, but the truth is the more we resist the losses and transitions in life, the more we will hinder our growth, resilience, and ability to be alive and present now. Life has seasons, change is inevitable, and without being willing to move forward and release whatever now needs to die, we will not grow. One season of life moves into another, it’s the way of life. If we try to pretend we can stop the the change, not only will we not grow, we may one day have to wake up and admit that we are clinging to delusions that leave us dead even though physically we may still be alive.

Waking up anxious?

Have you ever wondered why you wake up in the night full of anxiety or fear? We can stay so busy during the day that aspects of life lie beneath the “mirror” of our moment to moment experience. The night can allow these aspects of our mind’s workings to surface.

Picture the surface reflection in this photo as your daytime lived experience. There’s more going on below the surface but it remains hidden beneath the busyness of your day. At night, in the stillness, your brain is allowed to drop below the surface of your conscious processing. Through mindfulness we can learn to drop below this even during the day, paying attention to our body’s signals and all we learn as we make connections to the hidden things of our lives. Once we learn to attune to our body’s revelation of our concerns, we need to learn to embrace them. Oddly enough running from anxiety makes it worse, facing it and being curious about our tensions brings relief.

Facing tensions doesn’t change the facts of our lives, but it can change how we live with and relate to these facts. Mindfulness can function like a telescope or microscope, allowing us to see that which is normally beyond our sight. If you’d like to begin this journey, start by doing a body scan each day, noticing tensions, heart rate, breathing, etc. Your body is full of information regarding how you are experiencing your world.

BUT WHAT IF… you happen to be someone who is overwhelmed with all you see and experience — all the time?! Some people experience the world seeing and feeling everything, for those, mindfulness can help one learn to stand at a distance from it, instead of feeling run over by it. Either way, mindfulness helps us relate in a new way to our experience of the world. It is an incredibly powerful tool for dealing with anxiety whether we normally shut our fears down below the surface of our daily experience, or live life being overwhelmed and struggling to breath.

Would you rather not be here?

The storms of life can feel so overwhelming, that whether or not you’d actually find the strength and motivation to end your life… the truth is you’d rather just cease to exist, cease to live in the unending storm… Over the years I’ve met many people in this predicament, and have at times discovered in myself a similar narrative. It is simply one response to the downs of life. It isn’t abnormal. It’s an indication of the level of pain we’re experiencing.

There is not one thing that works for everyone in their pain, and some feel like nothing works. We all have different sources of pain. Some have chronic physical pain that prevent us from doing what we wish we could to care for ourselves or to simply live. Others have deep emotional pain they cannot shut down. Some have both. There is no 100% solution, and ‘life is pain’ as they said in Princess Bride. Most religions recognize that suffering is inevitable.

Generally, if we can find relief or help, it comes in a form of small ‘parts.’ This helps a little, that helps a little, or for a time…

So while there is no one solution there are things that help, in part. One small part of life we could all use is a pacer.

At a minimum, we need support when we are in pain. Consider the following…

A short time ago I was watching the Leadville 100. A race 100 miles long, running at elevations between 9500 and 12500 feet. It can last for just under 16 hours of running for the pros (who average no more than a 9+ mile per hour - for 100 miles while gaining almost 16K in elevation), to over 30 hours for those just struggling to finish. This year you had to run by yourself for the first 72 miles of the race, through the weather, through the dark, through the pain. A runner’s pacer couldn’t join them until mile marker 72.

The official clock shuts off 30 hours after it starts. It’s 100 miles of torture as far as I’m concerned — and ANYONE who finishes the race wins. This race might be a helpful metaphor for life.

As I watched people cross the finish line approaching the 30 hour mark, I saw those who had support from family or a friend, who while exhausted, found strength in this support. I also saw others almost falling and stumbling as they approached the finish line…alone…nothing left to give. Each painful step they took, they barely held themselves up with their arms and hiking poles. The last woman to finish before the 30 hour mark, barely made it and collapsed desperate for help as soon as she was over the line. She ran alone, tortured, but still if there hadn’t been help for her as she crossed who knows what would have happened even then. When we collapse we need others to surround us.

When we run the race of life, it’s clear that it helps to have pacers running with us, telling us we can make it. One of the runners shared about how at the 50 mile mark, after ascending thousands of feet, then descending, and now having to turn and run it all in reverse, there were people saying, ‘we have shuttles if you’re done.’ Instead of, ‘You can do this!’ ‘You’re amazing!’ ‘You’re halfway there!!!’

Some relationships, some connections suck the life out of us. The negative energy takes whatever we have left and sucks it out like the dementors in Harry Potter’s world.

We all need others to tell us we can do it. Neuroscience and interpersonal neurobiology studies are revealing how we need connection to survive down to the very cellular level of life.

But we don’t always have others in the race with us, and the dementors around us are many. When we can’t find a reason to go on, when we don’t have the support of others, or worse yet, when others suck the life out of us what do we do?

Everyone who finished the Leadville 100 was a winner. I don’t care if they were first place or crossed after the clock stopped, running in after all had left the finish line. To finish this race they had to believe in themselves and what I would call their ‘beauty.’

When there’s no one who believes in us, we have to believe in ourselves. We have to believe in what I refer to as our beauty—something inherent to every human born, male, female, young or old. We all have beauty. Whether it’s manifested in our mind’s ability to do amazing physical feats, or in simply finding the strength to try again because we believe we have something to offer a world that tells us we have nothing to give.

As an incredibly discouraged friend, suffering from chronic pain said to me the other day… why? why am I here? what’s the point? To me that was like asking if I wanted to live in a world without flowers. He was a flower, suffering and yet surviving, still here, displaying a heart for connection, for life, even though terribly beaten down. To me, watching him live, is like seeing a flower blooming in the most unexpected of places, whether that’s with hardly any soil on a rock in the high country, or forcing it’s way through the cement in the dirt, grime, and smog of the dirtiest city on earth. I don’t really want to live in a world without flowers. And someone to me, who is persevering against all odds reflects a beauty that our world needs. That I need.

Some are able to find a reason to persevere because of their faith, or spirituality, or believe they need to live for a friend or family member. But when no reasons seems to exist, perhaps it might help a little to realize that our world needs flowers. Picture a world without them. I can’t. Just as I cannot picture the world without you.

Does fear cause you to miss the moment?

I recently drove up into the mountains 7 hours. There was a series of lakes I wanted to visit and paddle board in the high country. I did it by myself, and I had to 4wheel in for several hours to get to the first lake, then hike over the pass and back to get to others. It was in what is some of the most beautiful country I’ve ever experienced, but I was not able to enjoy every minute of it. Why? FEAR.

Fear kept me from being present in the moment. I found myself paddle boarding miles away from anyone over crystal clear mountain lakes with only mountain goats nearby. And I struggled to enjoy it. I struggled to be in the present.

It stood out to me as a metaphor for how much of life I have missed actually living and being present. I remember being on the paddle board in awe of my surroundings, then thinking, ‘what if something happens? There is no one even close to where I am.’ Or ‘What if those clouds turn into a thunderstorm and I’m working my way back over the pass above treeline in a lightning storm?’ Or… you name it my mind came up with a hundred things to worry about.

I was somewhat disgusted with myself for being so anxious. So I did what I’ve learned to do to try to calm my mind. Breath deep. Be kind to myself, and curious about what was taking place inside. This was a start. I could think of all kinds of things to worry about, but shaming myself has never done myself or anyone else any good. We get to feel, and shame can be helpful, for a moment, IF we’ve done some kind of harm to ourselves or others, but otherwise it stalls us out. Our brain only has so much energy. We can blow it on shame or funnel it toward nurturing life and being present.

I did not want to miss these beautiful moments so I breathed in the smells, listened to the sounds of the paddle and board moving through the water, looked around at the beauty, let myself attend to my breathing and heart rate, and watched my worries float through my mind, letting each of them go and mindfully coming back to the present moment.

For me this is a vivid but small example of why mindfulness practices are becoming so important to be, as well as how I’ve lived most of my life, missing it, missing the moment — missing life. We can be so worried about what’s next, what could go wrong, etc. that we never actually manage to simply arrive and be in the present.

Practicing mindfulness trains our mind to live in the now, to notice our mind’s workings, to be able to relate to them objectively at a distance, and remind ourselves of what is most true.

Yes a thunderstorm could come in while I head back over the pass, yes I could lose my balance on the board and fall and hit my head on the rocks just under the surface… but also…

YES… I am in one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been, the grass and wildflowers at the end of the crystal clear water are as soft as a carpet and as lovely as anything I’ve ever seen, yes that family of mountain goats has 2 beautiful babies, yes I’m healthy and able to do this, yes I made it 4wheeling in and going out should be way easier. I came to settle myself in the larger YES.

Saying ‘yes’ to the moment requires that we learn to calm our minds, which can go spinning off track like a car sliding on ice in winter. Mindfulness is like having excellent traction control and good snow tires, enabling us to regain control so we can stay grounded in the present moment. As we regain control we can say yes to life, yes to the present no matter what is taking place. This is where I am today. This is where I am right now, with more right to me than wrong. I’m not only breathing, I’m actually here and living each breath I’m taking.